Never a Girlfriend

I was watching a television show about a couple’s comical travails. Things were going well between me and the TV show until the lead female character gets engaged. Then it is revealed that this character has been previously engaged five times! I hate her. I truly hate her, even if she is fictional.

I’ve never been married. I think the marriage boat has been set aflame and has permanent sailed away from me. I’m probably being punished by the marriage Gods for using ‘boat’ as a wedding metaphor. I resent not getting married. I should be on my second or third divorce by now. I hate being called a “girlfriend”. At my age, one doesn’t call a woman a ‘girl’. It is insulting. A girl does not have the life experience I have. A girl does not have the arsenal of skin care products that I have. A girl does not let herself only be photographed upside down because it is her better side. And does the ‘friend’ part of the word mean I’m supposed to be friendly? These days, chance would be a fine thing.

There needs to be a word for an attractive older woman who has relatively kept her figure and has perhaps a slice of her former charming personality left that she lets out for a viewing on alternate Tuesdays so she may have the chance to meet a nice middle aged man who will of course come with his baggage checked in at my emotional front desk and that will mean in his case at least one ex-wife and one or more children that I will have to love as he does unconditionally even when they introduce me as Dad’s girlfriend.

I’ve tried using the word paramour. I like the word paramour (as a word), but it is so Elizabethan. Actually, it is so Middle English (or Old French). And it doesn’t really work. It denotes an illicit type of relationship as well as a being a word used for lover (and lover is just not a good enough job description). I’m just not up to doing anything illicit these days. With age comes the ability to not run very fast. And I don’t wear the type of shoes that one can run in.

I could be called a courtesan. If I time traveled and lived in the noble court of King Charles II. I don’t know how those gals did it, those courtesan women. Not only did they have to have sex, they had to be attractive and well dressed. They also had to be ready at a moment’s notice to engage in witty conversation about music, art and be abreast of the latest political news. I can handle the well- dressed part. For everything else, I would have to hand him a newspaper. And hopefully there are some escort services listed in the back.

Concubine is not a good word either. It feels very harem making. I also don’t like the word mistress. Or whore, slut, hussy, lady of the evening, tramp, trollop, vamp, temptress or floozy, except for comedy reasons. But I do like enchantress. Enchantress sounds so magical. I would love it if a man would introduce me as his enchantress. It sounds so seductive. Like I could hold an audience in sway, while he pulls rabbits out of a hat. 

I’m supposed to be married, or widowed or something other than a girlfriend by now. I guess I could be called a female companion (no, this sounds like an archaic product, like a plastic rain scarf). I could be called a female associate that I spend some time with type of chum. A woman person amongst the things in the world enchantress consort. I think I’ve just solved my title problem. I hope this term catches on. If you ever need to greet me, see that you use it.

Me in a Yohji Yamamoto skirt, a skirt so big that it barely fits in a car. And I can't run in these McQueen heels.